


Stay with me

by Hilios



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Death, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Drunken Confessions, Drunkenness, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Jealousy, Letters, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mikasa Ackerman & Armin Arlert & Eren Yeager Friendship, Mikasa Ackerman-centric, Minor Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager, Minor Injuries, Minor Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein, Multi, Past Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein, Romance, Serious Injuries, Slow Burn, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:33:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29985690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hilios/pseuds/Hilios
Summary: The second the train passed by, she saw nothing but blood. Everything was covered in the dark red substance, every single part of his body was in pieces, so much so, it wasn’t even visible if it was really a human being that was under it.Eren dies and Mikasa goes through the stages of grief. Secrets are uncovered and somewhere along the way she finds love again.Mikasa and Sasha find each other.-----------------——————-----------------------------------------------------This story will be very heavy and i will put the necessary trigger warnings in the notes at the beginning. Still be aware, stay save!
Relationships: Bertolt Hoover/Annie Leonhart, Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Ymir, Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith, Mikasa Ackerman/Sasha Blouse, Reiner Braun/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> This account is managed by two people, be aware of that
> 
> This chapter is quite heavy in description. So trigger warning for accidents, blood, death, emotional breakdown and some past minor(?) Trauma

“EREN!” 

And just like that, the train crushed Eren's body. 

“No! No! No! No! No!”

The train was probably longer than a kilometer. Mikasa could do nothing but stand there and watch, her eyes going darker with each passing second, as her body got more and more numb. Her legs, which once won first place in a marathon, couldn’t hold her up anymore as gravity started pulling her down. Just standing there, seeing her lover’s body being destroyed under that giant rushing block of metal. 

The second the train passed by, she saw nothing but blood. Everything was covered in the dark red substance, all of his body was in pieces, so much so, it wasn’t even visible if it was really a human being that was under it. 

Who would’ve thought that just a few hours ago she was sitting in a tea shop with her friends?

….

“Guys! Did you hear about that tragic accident? Of the guy that died last night? He was run over by a train!” 

Connie came rushing in, from the big glass doors and into the cafe. He had a weird expression on his face. Not scared, or happy, or nervous, perhaps just concerned? 

“Another one? WOW just a few days ago, another person fell off a building.” 

Sasha replied in a much lower-pitched voice than usual. 

“Hey, guys, let's stop talking about this, you see, Jean is clearly uncomfortable.”

“Historia, baby, I’m jealous you always are so considerate of others.” 

Ymir exclaimed as she pulled in Historia, making her smile.

“Well, I feel like if they really died by accident they could have avoided it.” 

“Where is your common sense Eren, that’s not how it works.” 

Jean said with his head in his hands, in a frustrated and in an almost broken way.

“Well, what I'm trying to say is that technically, it's quite easy to survive, like you can always run in a different direction than the train and so cross easily.” 

Jean hit both of his hands on the table, creating a loud banging sound, as he stood up and looked directly at Eren. 

“Bet. Go, try.” 

“Hey guys, stop it, this is not simple, Eren's life could be in danger!” 

Sasha raised her voice rarely, but when she did, it’s something important and that’s a feature of hers that Mikasa really liked. 

“Well, he is the one that wants it, he is the one who is sure that he will survive.” 

“That's not what I me-“ 

At this point, she was frustrated and could feel her blood boiling as her face reddened. Her right hand formed into a fist and was about to punch Jean right in the face.

“JEAN WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE SAYING! THIS IS NOT ONE OF YOUR CASUAL BETS!” 

Mikasa screamed at Jean, making him close his eyes as he was cooling down. He then carefully pulled his chair out, sitting down.

“Yes, you probably are-“ 

“BET!” 

“Eren, what-“ 

“Jean, you wanted me to do it, right? Well, if I’m Eren Jaeger then I WILL do it and come back alive.” 

“Shut up, you will not go there.” 

“You cannot shut me up Mikasa, who do you think you are? My mother? I can do whatever, whenever I want, and you are no one to stop me.” 

“Mikasa! your hand.. it’s bleeding.”

Sasha took her hand as she reached over for a paper tissue, and forced Mikasa’s hand to open, her nails engraved deep into the skin of her palm. 

“Eren, don’t act like this. What I’m trying to say is that this is really dangerous.” 

“I agree with Mikasa, Eren, this is dumb.” 

“You too, Jean? Weren’t you the one that wanted to bet?” 

“Well, yes, but now thinking, it makes no sense.” 

“Let's just go to the train station tonight, and I’ll show you what I mean. I PROMISE the train will be at least 500 meters away from me and I will be super careful.” 

“Eren, I don’t give you a lot of advice, but I don’t think this is a good idea.” 

Ymir said as she slowly let go of Historia and looked Eren dead in the eye. 

“If you don’t want to, then I’ll go myself.” 

“Look Eren, where you go, I go.” 

Mikasa said, kneeling towards him, distinctly pronouncing each and every word. 

“Then let’s meet at that station at 9:30? So in 4 hours, alright?” 

Suddenly, there was an unexpected sting in her hand, and she flinched a bit remembering that her hand was bleeding. 

“Did it hurt? I’m sorry, it might get infected, so I started disinfecting it.” 

Sasha said looking up at her, with a genuinely cautious expression on her face. 

“Yeah sure, no, it's just that I didn’t expect it.” 

... 

“Eren! Eren! Noo!” 

Mikasa was sitting there trying to bring his body back into shape, her hands soaked in thick red liquid dripping down her elbows, as her tears wouldn’t stop falling, making it even harder to see. She felt someone’s hand touch her shoulder. 

“Mikasa stop.” 

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN STOP! CALL THE AMBULANCE DON’T YOU SEE? WHY IS EVERYONE STANDING THERE? ARMIN?!” 

Armin’s hands wrapped around Mikasa as she tried to collect the leftovers. 

“Mikasa, look at me, stop it, alright? Just stop and think for a moment, look at yourself, please.” 

That was the moment she realized she wasn’t alone. Everyone was there, looking at her, him, and seeing that expression on Armin’s face made her see that.... this wasn’t the right time to have a mental breakdown, Armin felt just as bad as her, she couldn't be selfish right now. 

They sat there on Eren’s blood, hugging each other for God knows how long, her shirt probably soaked in Armin's tears, as she sat there, incapable of showing the slightest bit of emotion. She was not sure why there was a sudden change in her mood, going from a crazy lady smacking the floor, into a stoic robot. Maybe she was just scared? Or concerned? Or in denial? There had been too many questions, but there was one thing that was sure, and that was that If she let go of herself right then, it would be too much for Armin to handle. Or was that just an excuse to shut herself down? 

“The cops are finally here.” 

“And now, explain what happened kids?” 

They asked the small group of people behind Armin and Mikasa who didn’t even bother turning around, the only sound echoing inside her brain were Armin's sobs.

...

“Stand up kiddos please, we need to look through the scene.” 

Armin slowly let go of Mikasa and stood up, pulling on her hand to signal for her to do the same. 

“Mikasa, stand up, please.” 

“I..I.. can’t... I’m sorry... I can’t... I just can’t leave him here, it probably hurts.” 

“Mam, we understand, but don’t make our job any harder, we need to look through.” 

Two men dragged her out of there abruptly. She didn’t resist, she couldn’t, unable to do anything but stare into nothingness. 

…

Someone gave her a hand, but she couldn’t care less who it was.

“Mikasa, stand up, we have been here for hours now, all of us are tired, let's go home.” 

Finally looking up and saw Armin, with puffy red eyes barely opened, still managing a small comforting smile. She slowly stood up, lowering her head, and with every step she took from that place, the harder it got, as if she was walking up the Mountain Everest, still unable to shed a single tear. 

Someone took her hand and held it tight. That was the first time she looked up since they walked away. It was Armin, of course. No one ever considered her feelings as much as Armin did. Even though Sasha, Jean, Marco, Historia, Ymir, Bertholdt, Reiner, Annie, Armin, Eren and her were always close friends for the last 10 years now, the three of them were always closer. It was a cute trio of her, Eren and Armin, they had been close friends since forever. She did however develop a small crush on Eren from a very young age, and it kinda stuck with her ever since. She didn’t even remember the exact moment it happened, it’s like it was always this way since the day they met.

Now that she was looking straight, she finally saw everyone, Sasha’s body was shaking so much it was weird how she still managed to walk. Connie held Sasha’s arm, either because he didn't want her to fall, or because he was unstable himself and needed to hold on to her. Ymir was carrying Historia, trying to look as tough as possible, but the terror in her eyes was incomparable to any emotion that she ever showed before. And then there was Jean… absolutely devastated, looking down at the floor trying to hide his tears. His hands were shaking uncontrollably.  
Everyone was walking silently, not a single word was spoken as if it scared them to admit what had just happened. 

They walked like that for at least half an hour until they reached a big road, and Armin finally let out a word. 

“I guess we have to split up now.“ 

Armin got closer to Mikasa, hugging her tightly, making it hard to breathe. He got pulled in towards her ear and started talking in a low, almost calming voice. 

“I’m sorry, I have to go, just please stay safe, I’ll come to check up on you tomorrow after school ok.” 

Mikasa couldn't do anything except for shaking her head against his shoulder as he squeezed her one more time and let go. He then nodded at Sasha and left together with Connie and Jean. The three of them went to the same University, so stayed at the same dormitory. It made sense for him to leave, but Mikasa wished for him to stay with her for just a bit longer. 

After a few moments, Ymir said that they need to get going while wiping off Historia’s tears, as she lowered her head and murmured a goodbye. 

"I think I'll go home too." 

Just as Mikasa was about to start walking, Sasha took her hand. 

"Where do you think you're going?" 

"...home." 

"You are not going anywhere, especially alone." 

"But-" 

"Listen to me, you don't feel good, you are covered in blood, and your hand is bleeding. It's also unhealthy for you to stay alone in the house you and Eren lived in." 

The fact that she said it in past tense made Mikasa realize something. She would never be able to see Eren on her couch, making a mess, she would never hear him scream, she would never hear his voice, see him, touch him, feel him.... nothing... never ...never...never... 

"Mikasa, come I have an extra bed, you can stay at my place for a while." 

Before she could answer, Sasha pulled her arm crossing the street, and into a building. 

Surprisingly, Mikasa has never been at Sasha's place before. She didn't go out a lot and usually preferred to stay home, being as close as possible to Eren. 

Sasha's apartment was beautiful, not too big, with the hall leading to the living room connected with the kitchen, one bedroom and a bathroom. The tiles there were white and a brown fluffy carpet covered almost the whole room.  
The doors were brown, quite basic but with a design on them, making them stand out. Sasha opened the door to her room revealing a big window right in front, a bed under it, a beautiful green closet on the left corner, and a sofa on the right. The room was small with maybe 2 meters across and 3 meters to the right. 

"This is the bed I will be sleeping on, and on the sofa, pillows can be taken out and it would make a bed." 

"Thank you, Sasha." 

Mikasa forced a tiny smile out, to show how much she appreciated her kindness. 

"It's ok, there is a shower right around the corner, and-" 

She started fidgeting around one of her drawers trying to find some clothes. 

"Here, you can wear these for the time being, I know this is not really your style... but it should do." 

"I think it would be better if I don't touch them right now." 

"Oh yeah, sorry, then I'll just leave them over there, and you can wear them once you hop out of the shower." 

Mikasa tried to force a smile once again, but it was impossible, as if her muscles were paralyzed. So instead she bowed down uttering a thank-you and left the room. 

As she entered the bathroom and locked the door, she accidentally came face to face with her awful reflection. Her face was covered in dry blood, her hair sticky, clumped like spaghetti. She looked down at those disgusting hands, covered in blood, Eren's blood. She was the reason for his death; she was the reason for everything, if only she acted more maturely, if only she had stopped Eren, if only she didn't make everyone go to that goddamn café. Her hands were disgusting, SHE was disgusting. Mikasa slid down the wall, still looking at her hands. At some point, her emotions took over. She started hitting the floor, screaming hysterically. If he died, why was she alive? Why did she deserve to live if she was the one who sent him to his death, why didn't she jump in front of that train to save him? She could have, she really could have, but those last words he said to her, not even the last, the things he told her in the past year, it all made her feel angry, and like it wasn't enough the awful things he said to her would get worse with each passing day. She started screaming even louder remembering everything, the memories of going to the sea, the memories of going to parks, the memories of sneaking out of school. They were so happy, everything was so good, up until Eren's mother died, and he became this angsty, depressed, teenager. Even though she screamed hard, even with these memories, she still wasn't crying. Why? Was she relieved that Eren died? Was she subconsciously waiting for this moment? Was... she happy....? 

She told herself: "This is your queue to get into the shower, Mikasa." 

She took a long, hot shower. Trying to get rid of all the stains on her body and not thinking about anything. She was always good at shutting out everything, including her thoughts, it's a habit that took Mikasa years to master, and to do it on command. 

Carefully, she got out of the shower, trying not to make a puddle around herself. She brushed out her shoulder-length hair and put on the clothes Sasha gave her earlier. She looked down at what she was wearing and laughed a bit. It was hysterical, a long-sleeved brown sweatshirt, with a cute blushing bear stitched on. The pants were white, covered in fries, paired with bread-shaped slippers. 

When she got out of the bathroom and into the living room, she saw Sasha sitting there with a first aid kit. 

"Hey, you out?" 

"Yeah, what are you doing?" 

"Come sit down here." 

Mikasa walked down and around one of the sofas, sitting on the other one near Sasha. She took one of her hands, wetted the cotton boll with a disinfectant, and carefully started dabbing it on the wounds on her hand. 

"Tell me if it hurts, ok?" 

Mikasa didn't say anything, just looked down at her hand and managed to nod. 

"I just... I heard you hitting the floor and.. figured how careless you can be, so yeah assumed that you probably hurt yourself." 

Mikasa stayed quiet, and Sasha did too. They were sitting in silence. It wasn't necessarily awkward, just.. quiet. She then proceeded to wrap Mikasa's hand with a bandage and did the same thing on the other hand. While bandaging it, Sasha wrapped it around a bit too tight, making Mikasa flinch. 

"Did it hurt? I'm sorry, I was lost in my thoughts." 

Right after she was done, and collected everything back into the kit, they stood up and Sasha hugged Mikasa tightly. It was a long hug, and Sasha was drawing small circles on Mikasa's back, very gently touching her hair. 

"It's going to be ok... everything will be ok." 

The feeling... this feeling.. was something Mikasa wasn't familiar with. She felt a heavy rock in her chest, as Sasha continued to whisper, hugging Mikasa tighter.

"I'm not sure if everything will go back to normal, but... everything will be ok." 

Mikasa was just standing there, stiff as a rock, not hugging her back, or having enough energy to answer. Sasha pulled back and looked up at Mikasa. 

"I'm sorry." 

Sasha managed to say while wiping off her tears with her hand. 

"Your bed is made, take some rest." 

She started walking back when Mikasa stopped her by pinching one end of her shirt. She lowered her head. 

"Sasha... thank you... for everything." 

She nodded.

"Mhm..."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It took her a second to readjust and repeat what she had said, realising that even she had used past tense, once again. 
> 
> "Eren... would have... would like..to be by his mother."
> 
> Is Mikasa really happy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really emotional, and mentions s*icide a lot, please be careful! and stay healthy!

Mikasa didn't get any sleep that night. Every time she closed her eyes, it felt like she was reliving that moment. It was 7am by the time she got out of bed and headed into the bathroom to brush her teeth. When she got out to sit on the couch, Sasha was standing there. 

"Morning, Mikasa" 

"Morning, did I wake you up?"  
Mikasa could feel her legs shiver with a flow of anxiety rushing through her body as she was saying that. 

"No, I kinda couldn't sleep last night."  
Sasha said, her voice scratchy, sending shivers down her spine. 

"Same, does this place have a local gym?" 

"No, but there is a close one near, where I go to, why?" 

"I'll head out." 

"But you didn’t have breakfast yet." 

"I'm not hungry."  
Sasha looked up and down in a super judgemental way. 

"You MUST eat, or you will collapse." 

"Sasha... just ... let me go." 

"No, you come here, eat, and then we will leave together to the gym." 

"Make it fast."  
Mikasa mumbled, sitting down on the table. 

Even though Sasha wasn't moving fast, in exactly 5 minutes the table was full with microwaved pancakes, a green salad and some fruits. It was impressive. 

"It looks really nice." 

"Thank you, after all, I am a good cook."  
Mikasa smiled and looked down at the food. Even though it looked, and probably tasted really nice, her stomach seemed to be nauseous, and she felt like fainting as she took a bite from the pancake. 

"Hey, are you feeling ok?"  
Sasha came closer to her, trying to understand what was happening. 

"Yeah, it's just that, my stomach doesn't feel that good." 

"Stop, don't eat anything, I'll make you some hot tea with sugar." 

She was relieved honestly. At least now she isn't forced to eat that food. Sasha came back with a medium-sized mug and handed it over to Mikasa. 

"Here, drink this and then eat a fruit or something." 

Mikasa didn't understand why, but she decided that it would be better if she shut up and did those things unceremoniously. 

... 

"Are you ready?"  
Sasha exclaimed. Mikasa once again had to ask her for some clothes. There was no way she was going out looking like that, with her bear sweater and bread slippers. Her own clothes were still dirty, stained from all that blood.  
This time she gave her a plain white t-shirt with some black jeans. 

"Yeah, lets go."  
Apparently Sasha already called for a cab, and it was waiting outside. They sat in and closed the doors shut as the driver started driving. 

"I thought the gym was close by."  
Mikasa asked, looking at the brunette, with her hair pinned in a side ponytail and her fringe framing the sides of her face. 

"It is." 

"Then why call a cab?" 

"Cuz, we aren't going there." 

"What? Where then?" 

"We are going to Levi's tea shop." 

"I am not going to that dumbhead."  
She never really liked Levi, and would usually go out of her way to see him as less frequently as possible. 

"You really thought I would let you go to the gym after you barely ate 1 pancake? No."  
Mikasa didn't respond, there was no point, she has been friends with Sasha for too long to not know that you absolutely can't argue with her. 

.. 

After about 20 minutes the car stopped, Sasha gave him his money, and they went out. And here she is standing in front of that tea shop, she hates it here; she hates it here so much. She took small steps towards the entrance, everytime her foot came in contact with the ground it felt impossible to pick it up again, as if it was glued, stopping her from going into that dreaded place.  
They walked in the café just to see Erwin pushing Levi on the wall, making Levi's face turn this ugly cherry colour, closing his eyes, he places his hands on Erwins collar as an attempt to kiss him, when oh so accidently Mikasa clears her throat, making them stare at the two girls standing, while their eyes grow bigger. 

"Mikasa? Hi, didn't expect you here."  
Erwin turns around and smiles at her. She doesn't respond and instead looks at Levi. 

"What are you doing here, kid?"  
Just as Mikasa was about to open her mouth, she realises that she has no idea and instead turns her attention to Sasha, who was smiling awkwardly as the tension in the air increased. 

"Hello, Levi, why won't all of us sit down and chat for a bit?" 

.... 

The four of them were sitting on this circular table, with the most delicious tea in the entire city 

"Eren what?"  
Levi said surprised, his head spinned immediately going from Sasha to looking at Mikasa who was trying to stare at anything but Levi's eyes. Levi is her father's cousin. After her parents passed away, he was the only family left, and so she didn't have any other choice than to be moderately close with him. She didn't really mind it though; they did have a similar personality anyway, which was mostly because of the influence he had on her.  
Mikasa knew that Levi never really liked Eren. She would even go as far as saying that he despised him. There were some cases where he would even physically abuse him, but there was always a good reason for it, and it sometimes felt like Eren enjoyed it. He would deliberately find ways to piss him off, while still technically doing everything Levi told him to. Still, Levi Ackerman himself, seemed really sad, furrowing his eyebrows and looking down at his cup of tea.  
Sasha sat up, straightening her back, and put her hands in front of her. She glared at Levi, as if trying to see through him. 

“And so, Mikasa doesn’t feel that well.” 

“I can see that happening.”  
He replied in his usual monotonic voice, taking a sip from his cup. 

Shit, Mikasa hates this, why did Sasha even say this to Levi, goddamn totally emotionless Levi. What can he even do?  
She stood up, looking at Erwin signaling for him to do the same. Without hesitation, he got his butt off of that chair, following Sasha into the kitchen behind them. 

Sitting with Levi is always so awkward. He does not talk, and Mikasa has no interest in starting a conversation, especially small talk. 

“You do know that you can always talk to me, kid. You are the only family left. You basically grew up in front of my eyes.”  
Mikasa says nothing, just zones out, thinking of ways she can get out of here. 

“I know how important Eren was to you, I know how traumatic it is to lose someone you loved.”  
Again, past tense, why? Why is everyone using past tense? Does the fact that Eren died make him any less important? Less valid? Why is everyone giving her the talk? First Armin, then Sasha, and now Levi. Does she look that miserable? She certainly doesn't feel like that. Everyone is looking down on her, pitying her. She wasn't the only one who was friends with Eren; she wasn't the only one close to him. Then why does everyone seem to care so much about her? 

“What I’m trying to say is that, stay healthy, eat food, drink water. Just please don't attempt doing anything stupid.”  
What was he talking about? Suicide? Mikasa did actually think of it, multiple times at night. The only thing keeping her from it was the promise she made to Armin, or was it just an excuse her brain made up to not die? One way or another, the point is the same, Mikasa will live, for now at least.  
They were sitting there in silence for a few more minutes. This was not the pleasant silence like with Sasha, but a very overwhelming, awkward kind of silence. Thankfully Sasha and Erwin entered the room, so Mikasa immediately stood up, storming towards Sasha, grabbed her hand, and pulled her out of the café, saying goodbye. 

"Why did you do this again?" 

"You needed to talk to somebody, so I thought-" 

"Well, don't think!"  
Mikasa was furious. She wasn't completely sure why, but she just was. She looked down at Sasha who was facing the floor, not sure if she was crying or not, but her expression was indescribably sad, her eyes barely open, and chewing on her top lip made her bottom lip stick out, almost as if she was pouting. Suddenly Mikasa felt shivers all over her body, as a flow of regret rushed through, stopping around her chest, making it even heavier. After all, Sasha didn't want to harm anyone, she was just concerned, and Mikasa, being the selfish piece of crap she is, couldn't even simply appreciate things she did for her. 

Mikasa reached over, holding Sasha’s face in her hand, and making her look straight up. 

“Hey look, I’m sorry alright. I wasn’t thinking straight and acted selfishly. Just please don’t tell Levi about my personal problems.” 

Sasha was looking at her, forcing a small smile on her face, as her beautiful brown eyes shined a bit, making them look like a pool of honey, perfectly fitting her love for sweets, and her just as sweet and caring personality. Mikasa was not sure if her eyes were sparkling under the sun, or was she holding back tears? She didn’t ask though, the situation would be too awkward for her to handle. 

“Walking home?”

“Alright.” 

It took them around 1 hour to walk home. The whole time, Sasha was talking, not keeping silences. She talked about the college she went to, why she chose culinary arts, what's her favourite dish to make, and much more. Sasha wasn't necessarily talking excitedly, she wasn't jumping around, or was super loud. It felt like an ordinary chat. Sasha didn't even ask questions, or wanted Mikasa to comment. Mikasa was just walking and listening occasionally saying yeah. This experience was refreshing in a way, just listening to someone talking, so she didn't think about anything else. 

By the time they got home, it was already around 1pm. They enter the Apartment, and decide to eat lunch. Sasha made some chicken salad, while Mikasa helped her as much as she could, that meant carrying the dishes to her, or bringing the ingredients from the fridge that she needed.

They were just about to sit down when someone rang the bell. Sasha walked down the corridor and opened the door. Mikasa did not stand up from the table, but she heard a lot of noise. Armin walked in first, saying hi and hugging Mikasa. After him a bunch of people came in one by one: Bertholdt and Annie, Reiner, Connie, and Jean. Mikasa never really liked Annie, but she was Bertholdt's girlfriend, so there was no choice but to see her every once in a while. They all sat down, Bertholdt was looking around as if he was searching for someone. Annie, cold as always, was showing no emotions whatsoever. Connie was hugging Jean, who looked dead. Jean had purple eyebags, probably from crying his eyes out, his hair messy, and staring at a wall. It was again this uncomfortable silence, even though it was quiet and no one was speaking, it felt like Mikasa's eardrums were going to explode. This thing was so overwhelming, and sitting at the table, saying nothing, was just as if they were starting an illegal cult. And then finally someone with common sense spoke up.

"Guys, so we all know why we are sitting here today, unfortunately one of our close friends passed away, Eren Jaeger. Now we need to decide the funeral."

Reiner was always put together and knew how to speak. He was the oldest one in their group, and basically married. He probably just felt responsible over them. Suddenly there was a sound of someone sobbing. Jean stood up, covering his mouth, and holding back a whole waterfall of tears.

"I'm sorry guys, you move on without me."  
He asked Sasha where the washing room was, and left.

"He would have liked to be by his mother."  
Reiner looked down at Mikasa, confused. It took her a second to readjust and repeat what she had said, realising that even she had used past tense, once again. 

"Eren... would have... would like..to be by his mother."

"Ah yes.. yeah... that's what we'll do."  
Armin was sitting right next to her, and so did small strokes on her arm trying to comfort her. Armin’s significant other would be so lucky to have him, he always makes these small gestures of kindness, which always with no exceptions work.  
They discussed a few more details before everyone left, and Sasha with Mikasa were alone once again. It was only around 6pm but she was too tired to function. 

"Sasha I think I'll go to bed."

"Alright, I'll clean up here and come too."

Mikasa wore the pajamas Sasha gave to her yesterday, then plugged in her earphones, and blasted her favourite bands The Gazette and Mother Mother, disconnecting from reality. This is one of the most effective ways to get things out of your head, laying down in bed with music, and creating your small little world, with every single detail, designing your life, designing yourself the way you want and no one can judge you. She lost track of time, when she opened her eyes it was already 3 am, and Sasha was sleeping on her bed peacefully, snoring lightly and mumbling something in her dream. Mikasa's head was about to collapse, she felt like breaking it in half or even better squeezing her temples to the point that her head would explode, and her brain popping out so that it would finally stop aching. She sat up, turned off the music, and tried relaxing with her head in her hands. Her phone then suddenly started ringing, scaring her. She quickly silenced it, carefully got out of bed, and looked at the name of the contact, it was Jean.

"Hello."

"Umm... hi, are you still at Sasha's?"  
He was barely pronouncing the words, and it even sounded like he was about to do something…. Not good.  
"Yeah."

"I'm kinda sitting right outside, at the playground, can you come?"

Mikasa hung up, grabbed a coat, and headed out, hoping that she didn't wake Sasha up. What the heck was he doing out this late at night? What did he even want? She went down the elevator, and out. Saw Jean sitting on one of the benches on the far right corner. She walked towards him, looking around avoiding eye contact.

"What you want?"

Jean looked up, with his dark eye bags, placing his hands over his face, squeezing his hair back, and touching his neck, trying to find the right words to say.

"Hey.. um."

Jean seemed to be dead, his skin bland grayish almost. But Mikasa probably doesn't look any better herself, after all she hasn't slept for more than 48 hours, and didn’t eat much either.

"I just wanted to apologise, for everything. I ... it was me... who sent... I was the reason he... d-d...passed away."

He didn't dare to look Mikasa in the eyes, as if he was scared that she would rip him apart, she had all the right to anyway. To his surprise, instead she slowly sat down beside him.

"You don't have to, I never thought of you as guilty anyway. To be honest, I felt responsible over it."  
She bended over, placing her elbows on her knees and kept her head in her hands, it was quite literally shattering.

"But why tho, I was the one that wanted to bet, I was the one that gave him the idea, I was the one.."  
He just kept on ranting and ranting, she really did not have the time or patience for this, her head was killing her.

"Head-ache?"  
Mikasa looked up nodding. Jean took out his bag, searching for something.

"I have some paracetamol, here."

"Thanks."

...

They sat there for another hour or so, in silence. Once her head started to ease up a bit, she glanced at Jean, who probably zoned out.

"Jean?"

"Hm."

"How did you get over Marco?"  
His eyebrows furrowed, and his gaze seemed to be more sharp. He didn’t answer though, Making Mikasa regret asking in the first place.

"It's ok, I'm sorry."

"No no, it's just that I didn’t really. I don't think I ever will, I just know that he wants me to be happy, so I try to act as happily as possible. Fake it till you make it."

“What do you mean?”  
She never liked faking, or people who looked fake. It was honestly one of her pet peeves, and never even thought that someone like Jean who in her opinion was one of the most genuine people could be, fake? 

“Well after someone close to you dies, especially if that someone was your soulmate and you did literally everything together, it’s hard you know. You of all people should understand me, and the first stage you go through is denial. You deny, you deny their death, you deny that they are gone, you deny that you will never be able to see them. I think it’s just the way the human brain works, we cannot wrap our brains around death. No one knows what it is, so we just assume that it does not exist even though of course we know that it does. After that is anger, you feel angry at them for leaving you, for making you feel lonely, breaking that promise they made you, leaving without even saying goodbye, without even letting you think that one day… one day those good days will come to an end. Honestly you don’t know if you are angry at them, at the universe for breaking you, or at yourself for letting them go.”  
His voice broke down, and it was cracking every time he took a breath. Mikasa didn’t say anything, wanting him to continue, this was the first time her and Jean had a heart to heart conversation, and even though she usually did not care what other people would suggest her to do she always ended up doing whatever she thought was right. This case was particularly different, she really wanted Jean to tell her what to do, he was the only one that truly understood her, and could give her advice. 

“After that is grief, this stage unlike others stays with you forever, up until you yourself die. It never grows less, or never necessarily increases either, it just is there. It is something you must learn to live with, to ignore it, to carry this burden with you everywhere without anyone knowing it. You finally understand that it wasn’t anyone's fault, and that they already died, and you understand that you will never be able to see them again, make one more memory with them, feel them again. You understand that but still would do anything just to hear them speak again, say your name again, touch you again, you want to smell them one more time, see them at least from a far. That is when you really value every single moment of life, and treasure it, because there is no second chance. You regret everything you could have done, and try to remember as many things you did together. So, this is a secret of mine, but to make up for the things you could have done, and all the memories you could have made, you create them, you paint them. As realistically as you can as if it is a photograph as if it really happened as if it is a moment of your life. This can be anything you would have done together, and in your brain you did, and you even have the proof of it.”  
He smiled saying that, taking Mikasa’s hand and holding it tight. 

“This part hurts, it hurts a lot, emotionally, physically, it hurts, and this is your problem because most probably you are the only one that goes through it, no one else. They move on,and you move on with them there is nothing you can do but cry silently at 3am when no one can hear you."

Jean held her for a few more minutes while Mikasa was still trying to process what he said, her emotions were overflowing, as if everything that Jean was feeling had magically passed on to her too, and even though she didn't completely understand what he meant. At least he seems to have accepted his death. While Mikasa still feels like she is surrounded by Eren, as if she can still feel his presence somewhere.

There was a peek of sunlight, with a breeze of fresh air. The start of a new day always feels like starting another life, who knows what might happen this beautiful day.

"Anyway I need to go, Sasha would be worried."

Mikasa slowly goes into the apartment, and looks at the time, it was barely 5am. Takes off her jacket and gets into the room. Sasha was still sleeping there so peacefully. She deserved it, she hadn't slept last night at all. Mikasa looked at Sasha who was on her side and murmured something. The sunlight hit her face so perfectly. Mikasa sat down on the floor crossing her arms on the bed and laying her head on them. Looking at the way Sasha was breathing, her chest going up and down. it looked so heavenly. She closed her eyes and breathed in rhythm with Sasha.


End file.
